There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
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Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired