The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
You Might Also Like
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
A drum solo but on your face.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
british sex workers really pound for pound
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.