They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
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are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.