This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
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Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Lmaoo 😂
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia