This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
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MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Put a ring on it
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Before Google, if you didn’t know something you had to go ask someone and most of the time they couldn’t help you, and now that’s also how Google works
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.