@BlindVigil I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
@MelvinofYork This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
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@BlindVigil 
@Oobrey If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
@Manda_like_wine Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
@BobTheSuit Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
@MrFornicator I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
@Carbosly Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
@TheAlexNevil What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
@geekysteven The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
@choniepony I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
@internetluke “No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing