@BlondAmbitionTO
@nealbrennan If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
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@nealbrennan 
@PaperWash [3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
@JohnLyonTweets And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
@dafloydsta [at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
@roxiqt ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
@DogGoing If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
@iwearaonesie How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
@Alex_but_online You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
@ddsmidt ”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
@maryfairybobrry I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing