I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
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*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
How actors in movies eat their food
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?