@BlondAmbitionTO

I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”

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@nealbrennan

If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.

@PaperWash

[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]

“im not looking for any trouble”

all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD

@JohnLyonTweets

And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.

@dafloydsta

[at Starbucks]

ME: One large starbuck please.

BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-

ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.

@roxiqt

ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now

FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—

ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all

@DogGoing

If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.

@iwearaonesie

How people walk when they’re:

DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*

@Alex_but_online

You don’t serve tuna do you?

“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”

*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*

@ddsmidt

”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.

@maryfairybobrry

I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing