I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
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Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.