Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
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ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
Meanwhile in Portland…
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Generation gap…
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.