Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
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Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
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They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Reporter: *ports again*
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Otters see a butterfly.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.