Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
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[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Chemical wingman
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it