Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
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[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…