I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
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I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
dictator is short for richard potato
*serious situation*
My brain:
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
Waiting for the Charmin
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?