Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
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men what’s stopping you from looking like this
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Lube but for my dry humor.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing