People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
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“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
i wish we could shoplift online
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.