Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
You Might Also Like
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Lucky old June.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them