Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
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As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.