SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
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Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.