You Might Also Like
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
All excellent questions
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
Not all heroes wear capes….
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep