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You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
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Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime