*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
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Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
what the hell pray for carter everyone
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”