Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
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Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
How I like cutting carbs
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
me when i see my girls butt
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao