*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
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I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”