“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
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“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
ready to be harvested
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
m’lady