My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
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“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered