I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
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[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.