People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
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( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts