I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
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HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?