Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
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customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
pictures of spider-man
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk