Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
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The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address