*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
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Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Only Americans understand
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.