wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
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I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.