wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
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How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.