What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
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Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.