What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
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We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!