A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
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I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
I love wikipedia
Hitlers gonna hitl
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
BaD BoY!!
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement