If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
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[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47