Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
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Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.