McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
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Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.