I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
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Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
In Canada they just call them geese
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Delightful if true: booby trap.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do