“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“And waive the assessment?”
“And pay in cash?”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
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yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*