@themorris23

My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”

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@XplodingUnicorn

If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.

@JohnHilsen

The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.

@River_Niles

A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.

A white American
White. American.

@maryfairybobrry

I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now

@my_minivan_life

No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything

@DocBrown21

Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?

Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…

@AbbieEvansXO

Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you

God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it

@Alex_N_Chains

I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.

He’s awfully thin…

@kelkulus

For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.