My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”

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If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.


The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.


A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.

A white American
White. American.


I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now


No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything


Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?

Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…


Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you

God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it


I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.

He’s awfully thin…


For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.