Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
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The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
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When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Yep.
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(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers