My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
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I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”