*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
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[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”