Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
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When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.