I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
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Running your mouth is not cardio.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
thanks auntie mary
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Everything reminds me of my ex
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering