*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
You Might Also Like
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit