I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
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Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
December birthdays be like…
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.