When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
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Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
never deleting this app.
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Just a friendly reminder!
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Nothing to do, you say?
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again