him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
You Might Also Like
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
I laughed at this way too hard.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.