*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
You Might Also Like
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.