Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
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How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
How to wake up a Beagle
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s