date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
You Might Also Like
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.