[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
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Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Baller is short for ballerina
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.